“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?”

“No, just here for a few days.”

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL- CRANIAL INVERSION.

6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’

1. She is not a ‘ BABE’ or a ‘ CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. ‘

2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’

3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ – She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’

4. She has not ‘ BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW COST PROVIDER.’

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new parish.
“As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations: First, I saw a man in a
field committing an unnatural act with a sheep.
“I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with another sheep.
“And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with himself.”
A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation: “Aye, that’ll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He
never could catch a sheep!”